A New Year, A New Decade

So 2020 has arrived. 2019 is gone. The 2010s are gone. I have mixed feelings. Those 10s to 19s were some of the hardest years of my life, yet some wonderful things happened as well. In 2010 we had a wonderful family Christmas together: the last one we had with Ken. Rebekah and Peter and Genesis and Azariah had moved to Mooseheart, IL, near Chicago, and we were very sad and missing them terribly. Yet, they got to come home for Christmas. We were thrilled and very happy. Stephen proposed to his girlfriend, Amanda, on Christmas Eve, and we were happy and thrilled about that. Then we were told Rebekah was expecting a baby in the coming year, and we were over the moon happy! So many emotions. So many ups and downs. Yet God was with us through all of them! 2011 came, and we found out the baby Rebekah was expecting was going to be two babies! Peter and Rebekah were going to have twins! Ken and I and all the family were so excited! But actually making it through the pregnancy was not as exciting. We worried and prayed our way through it. My birthday was coming up on January 25, and I was excitedly looking forward to a romantic date with my husband. A few days before, on January 21, he called me from work during his lunch hour to discuss the plans. In the middle of that conversation, Ken had a heart attack, and none of us ever had another conversation with him. I quickly and frantically called the switchboard to have someone check on him. When they got to him he was unresponsive and not breathing. I was told they were working on him and had called a Code Blue. I went into a state of panic trying to get to him at the hospital. They got him breathing again and hooked him up to life support to keep him breathing. I was so scared, yet God was giving me His help and strength to get through the next 6 days of ups and downs and fears that Ken was not going to make it. My birthday has not been nor ever will be the same again. What is usually a HAPPY Birthday, is now just a reminder of those horrible days and of the special love Ken and I had, but will never have again on this earth. I try to put on a happy face and pretend to be happy for my kids and especially the grandkids, but inside my heart is still breaking. I will never have that romantic birthday dinner with the man I love so dearly. The day after my birthday, the family and I made the decision to take Ken off of life support. We were sure that is what he would want. The next morning, January 27, we all gathered around his bed in ICU, and sang and worshipped God as the nurses unplugged the equipment and the angels ushered him into heaven. There are no words to describe the hurt and pain and brokenness of losing the love of your life. We were all so devastated. Yet, at the same time there was a peace in knowing He was right where he always wanted to be: with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The next few days are a blur as we contacted friends and family and made funeral arrangements. So many, many people were so kind and offered help and brought food and made financial gifts and said many wonderful things. I will never forget the kindness and generosity of so many people. That makes my heart smile when I think about it. The evening before the service a terrible blizzard hit our city and hampered many of the plans. The roads were icy and many of our friends and family couldn't get out to get there. Some of the pall bearers couldn't make it, as well as family that were going to sing. Substitutes had to be found and other arrangements made. It seemed like it was going to be just a mess. But God was faithful, and even though there were not many people who could attend and the graveside service had to be cut short because of the cold, it turned out to be very simple, the way he would have wanted it, I believe. So many ups and downs along the way. Stephen and Mandy decided to have their wedding in April. I was able to get my mind off my grief somewhat as I helped them plan their ceremony and reception and rehearsal dinner, which turned out to be a rehearsal dessert bar. There were several behind the scenes things that didn't quite go as planned and caused some anxious moments, but the wedding turned out very nice. I was very happy to have a new daughter-in-love. Happiness in the midst of grief. Hard to explain these up and down emotions we have. About 6 weeks after they got married, they announced they were going to have a baby. Happy Surprise! In June, Bethany graduated from high school. After Ken went to heaven, she struggled with her own emotions and was having a difficult time concentrating on school, but God helped her through it, and she did it! I was happy and very proud of her, while still in a state of deep grief. Again, so sad, but happy at the same time. It came time for the twins to be born in July, so I flew to Chicago to help Rebekah with her two toddlers and the new babies. What an exciting time that was! Two beautiful, healthy baby boys - Zion Nehemiah Damaray and Zaran Nathaniel Tsay Jordan. Two more grandbabies. I was thrilled and feeling so blessed with two brand new lives born in the middle of our loss. God is so good. And yet, there was still the sadness of their PaPa not being able to be there, too. How, but for God, is a person supposed to handle these up and down emotions? I came back home after a few weeks, but wished I had stayed longer. Rebekah was having a major flareup of her MS (with which she had been diagnosed 3 years earlier) after the babies were born. I fretted and worried and prayed, knowing I had to let God do the work as only He could. It was shortly after that that the Jordans decided to come back to El Paso where family could help Peter and Rebekah and their four little ones. She was very sick for quite a while. I moved out of their house where Ken and I had been living. God helped me find a lovely new home, which I loved and was happy about. But packing and moving all our things was an overwhelming job. I had to try to get rid of as much as I could, but I could not bring myself to just give away or throw away many of the things that belonged to Ken. It was like throwing away his life. It was more than I could handle emotionally. But, again God was with us and helped Bethany and I move into that new house. Next thing you know the holidays were upon us - the first without our beloved husband, father and PaPa. So hard to be merry while missing him so much. But we enjoyed being together with 3 new additions to the family. 2011 was the most eventful, yet longest year of my life, as you can tell from how long it took to tell about it. So much happiness, yet so much sadness and pain. In January 2012, Samantha Harmony Davis was born. Another granddaughter to love. And I did and do. I was so happy for our new addition. Also in January it was discovered that Zion had a condition known as Craniosynostosis, where the membranes, the soft spots in his skull, had prematurely fused together, not allowing room for proper brain growth. Rebekah spent countless hours researching and found a top doctor in this field of surgery. They went to San Antonio to meet with him and have the surgery done. It was such a scary time for us all. Zion did well through the surgery and through the next 18 months of wearing a helmet to protect and help shape his head properly. God brought him through! Zion did so well that in September the Jordan family took a vacation to the Happiest Place on Earth-Disneyland! It was a very happy first couple of days, until Rebekah started feeling bad. She was having another bad MS flareup and ended up in the hospital in California. Their Disneyland vacation was cut short, and they returned home to help Rebekah get healthy again. It took quite awhile for that to happen, but she was able to find a doctor who has been treating her without the usual drugs with the many bad side effects. She is now doing well and hasn't had any more severe flareups. Such a down time, but turned into some fantastic up times! That year the dachshund that Ken had gotten us for Christmas in 1998 got very sick. The vet wasn't sure Noel would make it through the night and advised us to have her put to sleep. I decided to take her home that evening and just love on her as long as I could. She did make it through the night, but I could tell she was suffering. I took her back to the vet to have her put down the next morning. It was so hard to let her go. Little Chrissy Noel had been a part of our family for so many years. She was a part of Ken's life and a part of my life, our life together. It was like having to let go of that life together all over again. The pain on top of the pain was debilitating, but again, God was there through the happiness and such pain. 2013 found us trying to settle into a new normal. A new normal for me felt very abnormal. Living in a new house without my husband. Getting used to making decisions and living life without him. But it taught me how to depend upon my best friend, Jesus. He helped me with those decisions and living life as a single woman. I don't believe I would have survived without Him. During that year it was decided that it was time for Bethany and her pitbull that she had rescued off the street as a puppy, to get their own place to live. We found a nice little duplex that she could afford, and I helped her gather up the things she would need to be on her own. She was excited, and I was happy FOR HER, but she was my baby! My last one at home, and we had been together during the very difficult time of losing her dad. Such an emotional time for me. I always thought Ken and I would enjoy our empty nest years and grow old together. Now it would be just me, alone. Of course, I knew I was never alone with God, but in reality it is not the same as having your husband with you. I love God, and He was with me. He was with me when no one else could be. He helped me every day. But I extremely missed my husband. But I was enjoying my 5 grandchildren every chance I got. They became my joy in the midst of my sadness. For Mother's Day in 2014, Bethany got me a 4 week old chiweenie puppy. He was so adorable. Her friend, who owned the mama that was sick and unable to take care of them, asked me if I could keep his two brothers until they were old enough and she could find people to buy them. They were so cute, I just couldn't say no. So I had 3 4-week-old puppies to feed and take care of and attempt to begin potty training. They had just started to attempt solid food, so still needed some mama's milk from a bottle. I loved taking care of them, and it gave me something fun to occupy my mind. After several weeks, she finally found owners for the other two puppies. It was sad to give them up, but I still had my Mr. Frodo to make me happy. The sadness and the happiness. In 2015 Stephen invited me to become a part of his family and move in with them. They lived in a small duplex. So we packed up all my belongings (I still had many of Ken's belongings I couldn't bear to part with) and rented two large storage units to put it in. You collect a lot of stuff over 34 years of marriage, and it was still hard for me to even sort through it. I and Mr. Frodo and our big hound, Copper, moved in with Stephen, Mandy, Samantha, and their german shepherd puppy, Sinera. It didn't take long to realize how crowded we were. We decided to start looking for a house we could buy together. After much searching and looking we found a house we all liked in our price range. Several weeks later we owned a two story, two bathroom, 3 bedroom home with a backyard. The day we picked up the keys was a day of celebrating. Next came moving day. Much of my things were still in storage. We got Stephen and Mandy's things packed and moved. Then we started deciding what we could combine and get rid of. It was still too painful for me to go through the things I had in storage. Grief would overtake me when I even thought about it. So for my emotional health, we just left most of it in storage. One night in January of 2016, our dog Copper got up in the middle of the night and was trying to go forward into my bed. I heard him and got up to check on him. He seemed disoriented and in a few minutes layed down on the floor and couldn't get back up. I knew something was terribly wrong, so I just layed down beside him and held him and petted him and told him I loved him. After a few minutes I felt him quit breathing. My big Navajo buddy was gone. Such sadness came over me. Copper had been Ken's running partner. Ken loved him more than any dog we had ever had. I was hurting again, but it made me feel better to think of the two of them running the streets of gold together. So sad, but happy at the same time. About March Mandy discovered she was pregnant. Yay, another grandbaby for me coming in December! And they were thrilled to be having a baby brother or sister for Sammy. The day of their first doctor appointment when they would get their first glimpse of the baby in a sonogram, they came home, Stephen had Sammy sit down across from where I was sitting and began to explain what was on the sonogram. I heard him say, "There's a baby, and there's another baby." What? I immediately stopped what I was doing. "Are you serious?" I said. I really thought he was teasing me because he knew I was listening. But, no, he was serious and showed me where the two tiny babies were. Another set of twin grandbabies? I couldn't believe it! How on earth did this happen? How could one grandma be so blessed? In my loss, God was giving back in multiples. I was ecstatic! In August, I called my stepdad to check on him. My mother had passed away a few years earlier, but he had been like a father to me, so I tried to stay in touch with him. One of his kids from Idaho answered the phone and told me that Chuck had become very ill and passed out on the floor one night. He layed there for 3 days before a friend couldn't get ahold of him and sent police to check on him. They took him to the hospital where it was discovered that the cancer he had for about a year was taking his life. He insisted on going home, and his children had come to take care of him with hospice aid. My brother and I and some of our kids all made a trip to Arizona to see him. It was sad to see him in the condition he was in, but so good to see him. Seeing us helped lift his spirits, but would be the last time we were together. A few days later he did join my mother in God's garden, as he described it. I was so sad. I had been with him after my mother's stroke and subsequent death, and he had come to be with me after Ken's heart attack and subsequent death. I loved that man and would miss him terribly! Later that year, our joy over the new twins coming turned to great concern when one of the babies wasn't growing as fast as the other. They weren't sure if the little one would survive. How can such joy turn to such worry and fear? It's those emotional ups and downs. The doctors waited as long as they could to give them time to develop as much as possible, but delivered two tiny baby girls on October 7. The next three months were full of ups and downs as the girls were taken care of in NICU. Finally, a couple weeks before Christmas, Zuri Cadence came home and Ember Serenade followed on Christmas Eve. We were all so happy they were home. Mandy began to develop post partum depression and the medication and feeding schedule along with monitors constantly going off overwhelmed her. She became paralyzed with fear and depression and needed a lot of help to take care of her family. I believe God had me right there to help her and Stephen and Sammy and the babies make it through that very difficult albeit happy time. So many ups and downs. In the fall of 2017 Mandy and Stephen found out they were expecting another baby. This would make grandbaby number 8 for me, so I began calling the baby Ocho. When I moved into the house with Stephen and Mandy there was only 1 child. The three bedroom house, though small, worked for us. But now with three more kids, it was getting way too small. We began talking about options. When all was said and done, we decided the best option was for me to move to a small apartment to make more room in the house. So we began looking at apartments when we had the chance, not really in a big hurry. It made me a little sad to think of moving out of the house I had helped buy and paid for a few additions. It made me sad to think of not seeing Sammy and the twins every day. But then it was exciting to think of me and Frodo moving to a new place with maybe a playground and a pool for the grandkids to come play. I also knew I had to start cleaning out my storage buildings. I knew it was going to be hard and painful, but I needed the money I was paying on two storage units to pay rent on an apartment. So, I asked the Lord for help and painfully began working on it. There are still certain things that I have not been able to go through, but God answered that prayer, and I was able to empty my two large units down to one small one by donating a lot to the Salvation Army and thus helping other people. That makes me feel good. Sadness into happiness. In July of 2018, I found an apartment I liked and moved out of the house. A week later Caylee Minuet was born. Another girl. That makes 4 girls for Stephen. They didn't want to know ahead of time whether it was a boy or girl, so when she was born and the doctor told them it was a girl, Stephen laughed and the doctors and nurses joined in. He loves his little girls. And God likes to see us laugh, even through the ups and downs. On Christmas of that year, I was with Stephen and his family at Mandy's mom's house. Caylee was sleeping a lot, but when she was awake she cried all the time. All of us noticed her head seemed larger than usual and talked Mandy into taking her to the doctor. The pediatrician sent her to the hospital where it was decided she had hydrocephalus and needed to be air lifted to San Antonio for surgery right away. Stephen went with her on the plane and Mandy and her sister drove there. The surgery was done and a shunt inserted to drain the fluid. It seems she was born with a part of her brain in the cerebellum underdeveloped. God has His hand on her. Even though she will be slower at her motor skills, she is happy and healthy. The down and the up one more time. Early in November, Peter and Rebekah, who had been in ministry since right after they were married, were asked to be the Pastors of Paseo Church, where they had been on staff for a few years. After much prayer, they accepted the position. I was so happy for them and of course, very proud. I know Ken would have been (and I think IS) extremely proud himself! On November 25, that year, our dear friend and father of our son-in-law, Peter, died suddenly in his sleep. We have been closely tied to the Jordan family for many years, and losing Harweda meant losing a member of our own family. Of course he was our daughter's father-in-law and my grandkids Pappers. He is greatly missed. And so this year ended on a sad note, after the happiness of earlier in the month. The last year of this decade, 2019, has been good to the Ken Davis family. Everyone has been healthy for the most part. On the weekend of Ken's birthday in August, we all met at PaPa's Mt at the family cabin in Cloudcroft for a little family reunion. All our kids and grandkids, 14 of us, as well as Ken's 93 year old mother, his sister, Karla, niece, Shawntay, and her daughter, who calls herself Pow, got to be there. It was a great weekend. We were able to dedicate a small memorial in honor of Ken's Dad, the original PaPa of PaPa's Mt, and Ken, the second PaPa. It reads: "Those who love don't go away. They walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear." We all have many memories of family times at the cabin. Many happy memories, but those memories sometimes make us sad that we can't continue making memories with the dads and PaPas who have gone on before us. But it makes us happy to think of the memories still to be made. Presently, Karla's husband, Dickie, is the PaPa of the Mountain. And now there are quite a few dads in the Davis family who will some day be PaPas making memories at PaPa's Mt. The end of 2019 has brought some happy surprises to look forward to in 2020. Who knows what all this next year, this next decade, holds for the Davis family? We certainly don't, but we know the One who does. He promised to always be with us. He IS God WITH us. He always helps us through whatever life brings: the ups AND the downs. You will notice a theme in this writing. There are many ups and many downs in life. Many times they are even tied together. That is how life is. It would be wonderful if life was all lived on the mountain top. But it comes with many valleys as well. God set life into motion. He set the sun to rise and to fall, the up and the down. He set the water cycle into motion, water vapor goes up and rain falls down. Life happens to us all, the good and the bad, the up and the down. Matthew 5:45 tells us," He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." It is called life. Thank God for life. Thank God for His many blessings during the ups. Thank God for His many lessons during the downs. The thing we can know for sure, is that through the happy ups and sad downs, God is for us, He loves us, and is always with us.