January 27, 2015

It's been 4 years since you were called to be with your Friend, Jesus, and Heaven became your home. It's hard for all of us to believe it's already been that long. It seems like it just happened. The sadness we feel, the way that we often remember the quirky little things you would do, your sense of humor and laugh and funny little things you would say, the way we miss you every day. I don't know why, but this year the last few days of remembering the events of four years ago has been harder for me than the previous years. - On Thursday, January 20, Ken had worked hard and stayed late to finish up what needed done, like he usually did. He was extra tired that evening and looked a little pale and very tired. He told me one of the priests who helped with the catholic patients had told him he looked very tired and needed to go home to rest. He spent the rest of the evening in his recliner, dozing off and on before he got ready and went to bed. The next morning, Friday, January 21st, he got ready and went to work like he always did. We said goodbye to each other, and I told him to have a good day at work just like we always did, not knowing it would be the last morning we ever got to do what we always did. He worked all morning and then went to his office to eat the lunch I had sent him that morning. Many times he would eat his lunch and then lay on the floor in his office with his feet up to rest for a few minutes. He had a very small office with little room, so he would lock the door to keep someone from coming in and hitting him with the door. He decided to call and see how I was doing, which he did a lot of times but not every day. We had talked for a little while and were talking about what I wanted to do for my birthday coming up in 4 days. I was telling him that I wanted to eat at "The Edge of Texas" when I realized that he wasn't there, and I heard what sounded like him putting the phone down. I called his name several times, but he didn't answer. I was confused and couldn't understand what had happened. I wondered if someone had knocked, and he needed to answer the door, or if he had told me to hold on a minute for some reason, and I hadn't heard him. What was going on? I hung up and called him back. The phone went directly to his voice mail. I called his cell phone and got his message for voice mail. I tried calling his pager, but he didn't call back. That's when I realized something was wrong. I didn't know what had happened, but something wasn't right. I tried to figure out what to do. I wasn't panicking, because never in my wildest imagination did I even think it could be something as bad as it was. The thought came to me to call the hospital switchboard and have them send someone to check on him, never thinking of what they might find. I explained to the operator what had happened and asked her to send someone to his office. She wanted to page him and wait one minute, and she asked me to call back. I felt better knowing they would take care of him and everything would be all right, my brain still not letting me consider the worst that could happen and had. I called back in a few minutes and she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but they called a code blue on your husband". Now was time to panic! I knew code blue meant he wasn't breathing and his heart had stopped. She told me they were working on him in the hallway in front of his office. I told her I would be there in a few minutes. I had to change my clothes and put my shoes on before I could leave, all the while shaking like a leaf and freaking out. I knew I had to try to stay calm so I didn't have an accident on the way to the hospital. I was trying to call Stephen, and school was just letting out, so I had to slow down through the school zone and stop for the crossing guard and watch out for kids. Stephen was talking to his boss and not answering his phone. I knew his then girlfriend (who later became his wife) was supposed to be at his store, so I called her. She answered and was at her car getting ready to leave. She heard the panic in my voice and went back inside and handed the phone to Stephen where I explained what was going on through tears and fear. He explained to his boss that he needed to leave and took off for the hospital. I finally made it to the hospital. There were no parking places in front,as usual, so I had to go in the parking garage and slowly make my way up until I found a place to park, then wait for the elevator to ride it back down. By the time I made it inside, they had taken Ken to the back area to work with him and put him on life support. The hospital operator had sent a security guard to his office. When he got there and knocked on the door several times with no answer, he realized also that something was terribly wrong. But when he tried to get in, the door was locked. He had to track down someone who had a key to get in. When he did, he found Ken slumped over his desk, not breathing and with no pulse. He laid him down in the hallway outside his office to have room to work with him and began CPR. They later told me this guard was one of the few who knew CPR. They called "Code Blue", and a team rushed to him with a crash cart where they shocked his heart and got it beating again. When I arrived at the hospital, I went to his office, but a security guard wouldn't let me in the hallway. I could see wrappers and supplies strewn all over the floor. I told him who I was, and he immediately started walking me to where they had taken Ken. Another lady from hospital administration met us on the way and took me to a room where I could wait. In just a few minutes Stephen arrived being escorted to the waiting area as well. Not long after that Stephen's pastors arrived to be with us. The staff didn't know much to tell us at that point except that they had found him not breathing, had been able to get his heart to beat again but were putting him on life support to keep him breathing, so we just waited for news of how he was. By this time Bethany was just getting out of school, and we felt like we should call and tell her what was happening. She rushed over to the hospital and was able to wait with us as well. About that time the CEO and Chief of Staff came in to ask us about what had happened and about Ken's health. They then asked if I would like to see him for just a few minutes. Pastor Monty went with me so we could have prayer with him. When we got to him his whole body was wrapped in a silver foil material and tubes were coming out everywhere. The nurses and doctors stepped back so we could get close to him, and I noticed several of them were crying. They explained to me that the tubes were to keep him breathing so his heart would keep beating. The foil suit was so they could begin hypothermia therapy. They were going to cool his body down and keep him that way for 48 hours to keep his brain from swelling and try to prevent further damage from a lack of oxygen. I got close enough to where I could talk to Ken, even though he was not conscious. I jokingly told him I was sorry that talking about going to a steak house for my birthday had given him a heart attack and if he would just get better, McDonald's would be fine. Pastor Monty then prayed and they rushed us out of the room so they could continue to work with him. By this time, my Pastor, Eddie Lee, had arrived to pray with us. It was several hours later before they got Ken settled in ICU. We were moved to the ICU waiting room where we (mostly Stephen) spent the time calling Peter, who was living in Chicagoland at the time, so he could tell Rebekah; and Ken's sister,Karla so she could tell Ken's mom; and my stepfather,Chuck. When they got him settled in his room to where we could go in, there were even more tubes and wires and machines and monitors. The foil suit was hooked to a machine that kept his temperature lowered. They had to keep him in a coma to be able to stand the cold and give him another medication to keep him from shivering, which he did a lot anyway. It was heartbreaking to see him this way. We all began to pray for His healing. In my heart I began to pray that God would just have His perfect will. He was allowing me time to let him go. After the 48 hours, they began letting him wake up from the induced coma. I walked in the room first thing Monday morning after my kids had insisted I go home for the night to get some rest. Ken's eyes were open, but they were moving, actually jerking from one place to the next, and he wasn't responding to anything I was saying. From that point on they did a lot of testing and kept him mostly sedated. He began having seizures, and his whole body was swollen. I knew he would not want to live in that condition, so made the decision to sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order, which was one of the first hardest things I had to do for him. Tuesday, January 25, which happened to be my birthday, we asked the neurologist to meet with us to tell us honestly what the situation was. He had tears in his eyes when he told us there was severe brain damage and nothing else he could really do. We were devastated to say the least. My birthday has not been the same since that time. The next day we gathered together to discuss what we should do. By this time Rebekah and the kids had flown in and then Peter, and Ken's sister and mother, and my stepfather were all there. We knew we had to unplug the life support. He had however, begun to breath some on his own, circumventing the machine, and his heart was beating some on its own, though irregularly. We all agreed that he would not want to live just existing, with no real life, and it was time to put him totally in God's hands, who could bring total healing if that was His will. During this time someone told us that Ken was being given the choice to go on to heaven or to stay here. I don't know if that is true or not, but we all knew where he would want to be - in Heaven with the One who loved him so much more than any of us ever could. But I could not make the decision to disconnect because I just felt like there was something else that needed to be done. I prayed and asked the Lord to show me, and realized that what I was feeling was that everyone needed their own private time to say whatever they needed to say to him and tell him goodbye if that was what God chose for his life. We, as a family, decided we would have them take him off of the life support the next morning and trust our God for His outcome. That night my kids insisted I again go home to sleep. It was pretty futile, though. How could I sleep when the man God had given to me to love forever may be leaving me? And yet, there was a peace in knowing he was possibly about to enter the place we both longed to be, with the One we longed to be with. He would finally be free of the infirmity that he was so tired of fighting day after day. I tossed and turned all night and finally at daylight got up and got ready to go back to the hospital. I had an urgency in my spirit to get there to spend time with just the two of us, to tell him how much I loved him and what he meant to me before the rest of the family and Pastors arrived. That couple of hours are some of the most precious memories I have. Even though he couldn't talk to me, I felt his love as much as any time in our marriage. I spent the time loving on him and he on me. Then it was time for everyone else to arrive. When they were all there, I did the second hardest thing I had to do for him, and told the nurses we were ready to remove life support. They asked us to leave the room while they did and then we were allowed back in. Pastor Lee had prayer, and we all stood around his bed. Someone began to sing quietly, and we all joined in. After a little while Stephen began singing the chorus, "No Higher Calling". Somehow we all knew it was the song that he would go to heaven hearing. He opened his eyes and looked straight at me only, something he had not done since before his heart attack. He looked at me with eyes full of love and concern, something I will never forget. I bent down and told him that it was okay, that I would be okay, that he could go be with our Friend, Jesus, that He would take care of me. I believe Ken understood, closed his eyes, and went to meet the One he had loved and served faithfully all of his life as the words to the chorus were still being sung by those who loved him more than any words can say: Down at Your feet, O Lord, is the most high place In Your presence, Lord, I seek Your face, I seek Your face For down at Your feet, O Lord, is the most high place In Your presence, Lord, we seek Your face, we seek Your face There is no higher calling, no greater honor, than to bow And kneel before Your throne I'm amazed at Your glory, embraced by Your mercy, Oh Lord, I love to worship You!