Special Thanksgiving Memory

We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving 2015. It was a wonderful time with our three children, their two spouses, and one boyfriend, as well as the five grandchildren. How blessed we are with such a beautiful family! And how wonderfully blessed I am to have had them all here enjoying the meal and each other's company! This year God has been speaking to me to focus on the many, many blessings I have in my life. The holidays are so hard because there is always an empty chair and empty spot in our hearts. That will never change, but what we choose to do with it can. This year I choose to be thankful and not depressed. I am thankful that God brought us together, and we loved each other with His kind of love; I am thankful for the years we had together; I am thankful for our years in ministry together; I am thankful for the children we had and raised together; I am thankful that God led them to find the special loves in their lives; I am thankful for the grandchildren we are now blessed with; I am thankful for my mom and for my dad who raised me and loved me and ultimately pointed me to my Best Friend, Jesus; I am thankful for my little brother and his wife who love and so faithfully serve our Lord, and thankful for their children as well; I am thankful for my in-laws whom I love and they love me as their own - your mom and sister, her husband and the girls; I am thankful for the man God sent to our family to be not just a "step", but a father and grandfather that we all love. I am most thankful for my Savior and Lord who shed His blood on the cross that I could be saved from my sin and promised an eternal life in heaven where He lives and where you live and where we will live together with Him forever! I am so very thankful that He has been my Strength, my Helper, my Counselor, my Comforter and helped me make it through the past nearly 5 years without you. This Thanksgiving I was reminded of and thought so much about our first Thanksgiving together, a very special day in our lives. Ken and I had met in June the summer before this special Thanksgiving. I dont know if it was "love" at first sight, but it was pretty close I would say. He was in town for the weekend visiting my pastor, who was his former pastor. Pastor thought the two of us would make a great couple so arranged for us to meet and spend time together. He knew he had to make every moment count, so arranged for me to spend that Saturday evening at a youth party and the next day (after church, of course) with him and his family and Ken. Then he helped Ken change his flight from catching it in Tucson to catching it in Phoenix, since I was "going that way anyway" to get back to my apartment and job. The time we had spent together and talking the two hours on the way to the airport was enough to know that we wanted to get to know each other better, so we exchanged addresses and phone numbers before he boarded his plane. I was on Cloud 9. To make this long story shorter, we began writing to each other, then calling each other. The letters and phone calls became more often until we were writing and calling almost every day. He had some vacation time the end of August so planned to drive out and stay with Pastor, but for some reason spent more time with me. He also decided to start looking for a job in the area since he had not been happy where he was even before he met me. And since he was going to change jobs, it wouldn't hurt to change where he lived as well. So our thinking went, anyway. (ha) So that week we spent every moment we could together while he put his application in at several places. At the end of the week it was time for him to leave, and it was so hard for both of us to say goodbye. Even though we had not known each other for very long, we knew we were in love and wanted to be together. But it was not yet to be. We waited to hear back from the places to which he had applied, but no calls came. By October I couldn't stand not being able to be with him so booked a flight over a long weekend to go see him and meet his family. We were so excited to see each other, but the time was too short. Letters and phone calls were just not enough anymore. We just wanted to be together. Then the holidays arrived. He decided to fly to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family. He arrived the evening before, and we spent well into the night talking about what our options were without coming to any solution. We spent a lovely Thanksgiving day with my family. That evening we went for a drive, so we could talk some more. I was sad thinking we might not get to be together again for quite a while. Plus, all the trips back and forth from Texas to Arizona and all the phone calls were getting very expensive. I was afraid since there didn't seem to be a solution, that he might want to break up - something I couldn't bear to think about. As I was crying and pouring out my feelings to him, he said maybe I could come where he lived. But, where would I work? How would I support myself? Where would I live? I wasn't about to mooch off him or his parents. He then tried to calm me down and told me I would't have to if I was his wife. What? Did I hear him right? So I asked, are you asking me to marry you? "Yes," he said. Immediately I fell into his arms and told him, "yes, I would." What a wonderful day! A day I am forever thankful for! We were married the next February. Every Thanksgiving I remember that special day and am so thankful that we have a God who can send the right person at the right time. Even when it looks like it will never happen or never work, when it is in God's plan, He knows how to work out the details. 25 years later, on our anniversary, Ken asked me if I would spend the next 25 years with him. I told him, "yes I would." Only we didn't have twenty-five more. He went to be with our Lord less than 10 years later. So right now, I am biding my time, longing to hear his voice, longing to be with him, just as I did those 40 years ago. But this time I am thankful there will be a solution when it is in God's time and plan for me to be with him again. When I believe he may say to me, "would you spend forever with me?" And I will answer with a resounding "YES, I WILL!! Thank you, Jesus!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - AUGUST 18, 2015

Bethany and I went out to the cemetery this morning to take flowers and balloons in honor of Ken's birthday. Five birthdays we have remembered without him, and every one reminds me of what a great and Godly man he was, and how much I miss him. Every time I see his grave, there is a pain in my heart that says,"how can this be true?" We were supposed to grow old together and celebrate many birthdays together for many more years to come. But, for whatever reason, it is true. He left us much too soon. This year I feel the need to have my kids and grandkids near me. They are a part of him; the part that I have left of him. And they are each so beautiful and precious! And his mother and sister and her family are so precious to me because they were so precious to him. They are going to be having a new baby in their family, and I am just as excited as if it were my own grandbaby. I know Ken would be, and probably is, too. I love them so much as I know Ken (or Kenneth, as they called him) did as well. When I was young, my two greatest desires were to serve God with all my heart, and to have a husband and family that all served Him together. Thank God He gave me the desires of my heart for a season of my life. My desire is still to love and serve God with all my heart, and my family did serve Him together. Now that season is over and I no longer have the man God gave me to serve Him with, and I miss that. The rest of my family have their own families and lives,and I miss that. But I thank God that Ken and I together had the God-given privilege to raise them to love and serve Him. I know he loves them and is as proud of them as I am. What a legacy! What better gift than to have your children and grandchildren love God whom you faithfully served all your life! Happy Birthday, Sweetheart! You did well!!!

February 19, 2015

Another anniversary, our 38th, and our 5th to be apart. Yes, I still remember anniversaries. Yes, I still wear my wedding rings. Yes, I am still married to the man I fell in love with 39 years ago. Even though he is no longer here, our souls are still bound together as one and will be for eternity. Just waiting for that truth to become reality in His time. A few days ago I was telling my family about one of my most meaningful anniversary memories, and that is what I would like to share in memory of my sweet husband. This was probably our 9th or 10th anniversary, and we were pastoring a very small country church in Oklahoma. We didn't make a lot of money in the way of salary, but were happy knowing we were in the will of God and doing what He had called us to do. He always provided for the things we needed and sometimes even just wanted. People would frequently bring us groceries to help us out. I remember once we were going to have french fries for lunch but didn't have any ketchup and the kids were wanting some. It just so happened that someone brought a bag of groceries with guess what in the bag? Yep, ketchup! Another time, we were hosting an evangelist and his family, and I wanted to make a cherry chip cake but didn't have a cake mix. Again, that morning someone brought us some groceries and right on top where we could see it was a cherry chip cake mix! I told the lady who brought them that I had just told the kids that I wished I had a cherry chip cake mix to make for dessert for supper. She told me that when she was deciding at the store which cake mix to buy, that one seemed to jump out at her. What a great and wonderful God we serve! Those were two powerful lessons to the kids and to us that God promises to provide for our needs according to His riches in heaven! And if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart, even if it is as simple as ketchup and a desire for a particular kind of cake. And there were many, many more lessons as he taught us to seek Him first and He would supply our needs! Now back to my anniversary story. On this anniversary we didn't have much extra money to celebrate the day, but decided we could go into town and have a cheap meal. We didn't have any family that lived there or any money to pay for a babysitter, so we took the kids with us. Bethany wasn't born yet, and Stephen was a toddler, and Rebekah 6 or 7. We enjoyed our meal together and the kids even behaved themselves so we could all have a nice time. It was quite a treat to eat out anywhere, in those days. Before heading back to our house by the church in the country, we stopped at a grocery store in town to get some milk. The kids and I waited in the car while Ken ran in. When he got back, not only did he have the milk, but he had a single rose with babies breath wrapped in paper for me. The little rose was brown on the edges and slightly wilted, but to me it was the most beautiful rose I had ever seen! You see, Ken had always gotten me flowers for our anniversary, usually a rose for each year we had been married with a note tied to each one. This year I knew there was no money for roses. And Ken hadn't planned to buy them this year, but while he was in the grocery store they were selling their valentine's roses at a greatly reduced price, since it was 5 days after valentine's day. That didn't matter to me. God had again provided a desire of both our hearts. Ken's desire to be able to give me a special rose for our anniversary, and my desire to receive his special love roses anniversary gift! Whenever I see wilted roses after valentine's day, it is a reminder of how much my Ken loved me and how much our God loves us and provides for our needs with a few extra wants as well. What a special kind of love! I took a picture of some of those little wilted roses left from valentines day that I saw at a store a couple of days ago and will leave it on my phone just to remind me that The Greatest of these is Love! Praising God today for ketchup, cherry chip cake, and wilted roses!!

January 27, 2015

It's been 4 years since you were called to be with your Friend, Jesus, and Heaven became your home. It's hard for all of us to believe it's already been that long. It seems like it just happened. The sadness we feel, the way that we often remember the quirky little things you would do, your sense of humor and laugh and funny little things you would say, the way we miss you every day. I don't know why, but this year the last few days of remembering the events of four years ago has been harder for me than the previous years. - On Thursday, January 20, Ken had worked hard and stayed late to finish up what needed done, like he usually did. He was extra tired that evening and looked a little pale and very tired. He told me one of the priests who helped with the catholic patients had told him he looked very tired and needed to go home to rest. He spent the rest of the evening in his recliner, dozing off and on before he got ready and went to bed. The next morning, Friday, January 21st, he got ready and went to work like he always did. We said goodbye to each other, and I told him to have a good day at work just like we always did, not knowing it would be the last morning we ever got to do what we always did. He worked all morning and then went to his office to eat the lunch I had sent him that morning. Many times he would eat his lunch and then lay on the floor in his office with his feet up to rest for a few minutes. He had a very small office with little room, so he would lock the door to keep someone from coming in and hitting him with the door. He decided to call and see how I was doing, which he did a lot of times but not every day. We had talked for a little while and were talking about what I wanted to do for my birthday coming up in 4 days. I was telling him that I wanted to eat at "The Edge of Texas" when I realized that he wasn't there, and I heard what sounded like him putting the phone down. I called his name several times, but he didn't answer. I was confused and couldn't understand what had happened. I wondered if someone had knocked, and he needed to answer the door, or if he had told me to hold on a minute for some reason, and I hadn't heard him. What was going on? I hung up and called him back. The phone went directly to his voice mail. I called his cell phone and got his message for voice mail. I tried calling his pager, but he didn't call back. That's when I realized something was wrong. I didn't know what had happened, but something wasn't right. I tried to figure out what to do. I wasn't panicking, because never in my wildest imagination did I even think it could be something as bad as it was. The thought came to me to call the hospital switchboard and have them send someone to check on him, never thinking of what they might find. I explained to the operator what had happened and asked her to send someone to his office. She wanted to page him and wait one minute, and she asked me to call back. I felt better knowing they would take care of him and everything would be all right, my brain still not letting me consider the worst that could happen and had. I called back in a few minutes and she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but they called a code blue on your husband". Now was time to panic! I knew code blue meant he wasn't breathing and his heart had stopped. She told me they were working on him in the hallway in front of his office. I told her I would be there in a few minutes. I had to change my clothes and put my shoes on before I could leave, all the while shaking like a leaf and freaking out. I knew I had to try to stay calm so I didn't have an accident on the way to the hospital. I was trying to call Stephen, and school was just letting out, so I had to slow down through the school zone and stop for the crossing guard and watch out for kids. Stephen was talking to his boss and not answering his phone. I knew his then girlfriend (who later became his wife) was supposed to be at his store, so I called her. She answered and was at her car getting ready to leave. She heard the panic in my voice and went back inside and handed the phone to Stephen where I explained what was going on through tears and fear. He explained to his boss that he needed to leave and took off for the hospital. I finally made it to the hospital. There were no parking places in front,as usual, so I had to go in the parking garage and slowly make my way up until I found a place to park, then wait for the elevator to ride it back down. By the time I made it inside, they had taken Ken to the back area to work with him and put him on life support. The hospital operator had sent a security guard to his office. When he got there and knocked on the door several times with no answer, he realized also that something was terribly wrong. But when he tried to get in, the door was locked. He had to track down someone who had a key to get in. When he did, he found Ken slumped over his desk, not breathing and with no pulse. He laid him down in the hallway outside his office to have room to work with him and began CPR. They later told me this guard was one of the few who knew CPR. They called "Code Blue", and a team rushed to him with a crash cart where they shocked his heart and got it beating again. When I arrived at the hospital, I went to his office, but a security guard wouldn't let me in the hallway. I could see wrappers and supplies strewn all over the floor. I told him who I was, and he immediately started walking me to where they had taken Ken. Another lady from hospital administration met us on the way and took me to a room where I could wait. In just a few minutes Stephen arrived being escorted to the waiting area as well. Not long after that Stephen's pastors arrived to be with us. The staff didn't know much to tell us at that point except that they had found him not breathing, had been able to get his heart to beat again but were putting him on life support to keep him breathing, so we just waited for news of how he was. By this time Bethany was just getting out of school, and we felt like we should call and tell her what was happening. She rushed over to the hospital and was able to wait with us as well. About that time the CEO and Chief of Staff came in to ask us about what had happened and about Ken's health. They then asked if I would like to see him for just a few minutes. Pastor Monty went with me so we could have prayer with him. When we got to him his whole body was wrapped in a silver foil material and tubes were coming out everywhere. The nurses and doctors stepped back so we could get close to him, and I noticed several of them were crying. They explained to me that the tubes were to keep him breathing so his heart would keep beating. The foil suit was so they could begin hypothermia therapy. They were going to cool his body down and keep him that way for 48 hours to keep his brain from swelling and try to prevent further damage from a lack of oxygen. I got close enough to where I could talk to Ken, even though he was not conscious. I jokingly told him I was sorry that talking about going to a steak house for my birthday had given him a heart attack and if he would just get better, McDonald's would be fine. Pastor Monty then prayed and they rushed us out of the room so they could continue to work with him. By this time, my Pastor, Eddie Lee, had arrived to pray with us. It was several hours later before they got Ken settled in ICU. We were moved to the ICU waiting room where we (mostly Stephen) spent the time calling Peter, who was living in Chicagoland at the time, so he could tell Rebekah; and Ken's sister,Karla so she could tell Ken's mom; and my stepfather,Chuck. When they got him settled in his room to where we could go in, there were even more tubes and wires and machines and monitors. The foil suit was hooked to a machine that kept his temperature lowered. They had to keep him in a coma to be able to stand the cold and give him another medication to keep him from shivering, which he did a lot anyway. It was heartbreaking to see him this way. We all began to pray for His healing. In my heart I began to pray that God would just have His perfect will. He was allowing me time to let him go. After the 48 hours, they began letting him wake up from the induced coma. I walked in the room first thing Monday morning after my kids had insisted I go home for the night to get some rest. Ken's eyes were open, but they were moving, actually jerking from one place to the next, and he wasn't responding to anything I was saying. From that point on they did a lot of testing and kept him mostly sedated. He began having seizures, and his whole body was swollen. I knew he would not want to live in that condition, so made the decision to sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order, which was one of the first hardest things I had to do for him. Tuesday, January 25, which happened to be my birthday, we asked the neurologist to meet with us to tell us honestly what the situation was. He had tears in his eyes when he told us there was severe brain damage and nothing else he could really do. We were devastated to say the least. My birthday has not been the same since that time. The next day we gathered together to discuss what we should do. By this time Rebekah and the kids had flown in and then Peter, and Ken's sister and mother, and my stepfather were all there. We knew we had to unplug the life support. He had however, begun to breath some on his own, circumventing the machine, and his heart was beating some on its own, though irregularly. We all agreed that he would not want to live just existing, with no real life, and it was time to put him totally in God's hands, who could bring total healing if that was His will. During this time someone told us that Ken was being given the choice to go on to heaven or to stay here. I don't know if that is true or not, but we all knew where he would want to be - in Heaven with the One who loved him so much more than any of us ever could. But I could not make the decision to disconnect because I just felt like there was something else that needed to be done. I prayed and asked the Lord to show me, and realized that what I was feeling was that everyone needed their own private time to say whatever they needed to say to him and tell him goodbye if that was what God chose for his life. We, as a family, decided we would have them take him off of the life support the next morning and trust our God for His outcome. That night my kids insisted I again go home to sleep. It was pretty futile, though. How could I sleep when the man God had given to me to love forever may be leaving me? And yet, there was a peace in knowing he was possibly about to enter the place we both longed to be, with the One we longed to be with. He would finally be free of the infirmity that he was so tired of fighting day after day. I tossed and turned all night and finally at daylight got up and got ready to go back to the hospital. I had an urgency in my spirit to get there to spend time with just the two of us, to tell him how much I loved him and what he meant to me before the rest of the family and Pastors arrived. That couple of hours are some of the most precious memories I have. Even though he couldn't talk to me, I felt his love as much as any time in our marriage. I spent the time loving on him and he on me. Then it was time for everyone else to arrive. When they were all there, I did the second hardest thing I had to do for him, and told the nurses we were ready to remove life support. They asked us to leave the room while they did and then we were allowed back in. Pastor Lee had prayer, and we all stood around his bed. Someone began to sing quietly, and we all joined in. After a little while Stephen began singing the chorus, "No Higher Calling". Somehow we all knew it was the song that he would go to heaven hearing. He opened his eyes and looked straight at me only, something he had not done since before his heart attack. He looked at me with eyes full of love and concern, something I will never forget. I bent down and told him that it was okay, that I would be okay, that he could go be with our Friend, Jesus, that He would take care of me. I believe Ken understood, closed his eyes, and went to meet the One he had loved and served faithfully all of his life as the words to the chorus were still being sung by those who loved him more than any words can say: Down at Your feet, O Lord, is the most high place In Your presence, Lord, I seek Your face, I seek Your face For down at Your feet, O Lord, is the most high place In Your presence, Lord, we seek Your face, we seek Your face There is no higher calling, no greater honor, than to bow And kneel before Your throne I'm amazed at Your glory, embraced by Your mercy, Oh Lord, I love to worship You!